The Science Behind Unique Indian Wedding Rituals

Eastern weddings are rich in rituals. Read about the meaning of some of them.

The essence of Indian weddings is the circumambulation of the couple around fire or Lord Agni, known as pheras in Hindi. Have you heard of couples taking 4 pheras, instead of the mandatory 7? There is a scientific explanation for this. This is not all. There is weirder stuff out there about marriages, which is probably lesser known. And there is a scientific explanation for each of them!

Meet Padma Shri Dr. KK Aggarwal, a doctor who has written a book on the science behind marriage rituals! Surprises don’t cease, do they?

There are certain unusual wedding rituals which he enumerates on for the benefit of those who have the need to do the marriage rituals differently.

Four pheras instead of seven pheras

The three most important marriage rituals are Ghurchadi, Varmala and Pheras. All three have a scientific base, depicting the transformation of a person from childhood to adulthood. The female horse (Ghodi) in mythology represents the five senses in the body and sitting on the Ghodi and pulling/ tightening of the rope signify controlling our five senses. So in a gist it means that once you tighten your five senses, your phase of behaving like a child is over and it’s time to act with responsibly towards yourself and your wife-to-be.

Secondly the Varmala ceremony represents the ability to learn how to bow in front of the society and let go of one’s ego.

And lastly, each of the four pheras signifies a person’s decision to follow the very purpose of his life, i.e. Dharm, Artha, Kama and Moksha. From Vedic point-of-view, these four pheras are the most important and over a period of time, they have extended to become seven pheras.

These four purposes of life also called the Purushartha, imply a person’s ability to righteously fulfill one’s desires and attain inner happiness. Here Dharma means to hold your righteousness, Artha means to earn, Kama means desires and Moksha means inner happiness.

Marriage is the transformation of a child into an adult. A person is supposed to follow the path of righteousness to the one he’s been bound by holy matrimony. It also coincides with the second ashrama or phase of life to earn and this earning should be based on righteousness. This is also the phase of fulfilling one’s desires but that fulfillment should be in such a way that every desire ends up with inner happiness or connects one to one’s consciousness.

Why people don’t get married during the Chaturmas

The Chaturmas are the first four months of Dakshinayan lasting from July – Mid October. Uttarayan is the period of northward movement of the sun with days lasting longer than the nights and during the period of the Dakshinayan, nights are longer than the days. Medically, Uttarayan is a phase of a positive state of mind and Dakshinayan is the phase of a negative state of mind.

Human body is a balance of sympathetic and parasympathetic phases and also a balance between serotonin and melatonin chemicals. Negativity of the mind means more sympathetic activity and an increase in a person’s melatonin levels.

Most festivals which require detoxification of the mind, body and soul are designed in such a way that they fall in the Chaturmas. The first two months of Chaturmas are Saawan and Bhadon. There is a famous song called Saawan ka mahina pawan kare sore… (Milan) There is another song Mere naina saawan bhadon, phir bhi mera man pyasa…

(Mehbooba), which means in the month of Saawan and Bhadon, the negativity of the mind is at its peak and that a person’s mind is full of unfulfilled desires and is vulnerable to a fluctuation of emotions.

This is the reason why in India, marriages are not allowed in the Saawan, Bhadon, and Kartik months. During this time, a person’s state of mind is negative and in a situation of arranged marriage, there will be more chances of divorce and fights.

Also Chaturmas falls at the time of the rainy season with a high rate of infestation by worms in the soil leading to contamination of surface vegetables. Leafy vegetable are a part and parcel of all marriage ceremonies, therefore, community lunches and dinners are avoided in Chaturmas to prevent people from being food poisoned.

This may not be applicable to Indians living outside India, as Saawan and Bhadon would occur in different months as well as for people who have a love marriage based on years of understanding.

Taking permission from ancestors on the day of the marriage

Ancestors’ permission is needed prior to all auspicious functions in Indian families. This ritual is only important for families, who have not performed the Mahapind Ceremony in Gaya, Pushkar, Haridwar, Kurukshetra after a person’s death.

Shradh is a ritual performed by families when somebody has died with unfulfilled desires. Till those desires are fulfilled, the Shradh ceremony is performed according to our customs.

These ceremonies are usually held on a monthly basis i.e. on the day of Amavasya, on the day of death or on the Tithi during the Shradh month. The family members pay homage to their ancestors and ask them for a time extension to fulfill their desires. The day their desires are fulfilled, a Mahashradh is observed in one of the above places.

Taking permission on the day of the marriage basically signifies conveying to one’s ancestors that their unfulfilled desires have not been forgotten but one wishes to marry the person on priority.

Getting married even after death of an important person in family

It is a traditional Hindu ritual not to have an important function like a wedding in a family after the death of a person close to the people getting married. Some people observe this mourning period for 13 days, one month and some for one year.

Many families today permit getting married post someone’s death and often also state in their will that in a case they happen to die suddenly, important rituals and celebrations in the family should not be stopped.

The reason why people usually don’t hold functions after the death of someone close is that the person usually goes into a state of shock with only thoughts of their loved ones disturbing them constantly. This period of mental detoxification usually takes 4-13 days and if they get married during this time, negativity can creep into the relationship.

For this reason some people get married after the Chautha (four days), some wait for the Tehrawhi (13 days). In some situations, the Chautha is performed on the second or third day and then the marriage takes place. This happens if some person in the family, who is senior to them, comes forward and passes on message to the community that the last wish of the deceased person was not to disturb any family function in a situation of tragedy in the family.

I have seen marriages taking place even if there is a death in the family a day before or on the day of the marriage. These rituals are observed only to prevent a persistently disturbed state of mind, which may occur if there is a violation of any known ritual.

Marriage during the month of Magh, Kartik and Vaishakh

In this day and age at least 1% of the women in our society suffer from infertility, something which was not prevalent in our Vedic era, a time with no or limited medical facilities.

As per ancient belief, the months of fertility are the month of Magh, Vaishakh and Kartik and during this month, Shahi Snans are observed. In these rituals, one is supposed to spend over an hour either before sunrise or before sunset near the Ganges and after that observe a fast and consume Calcium rich udad ki daal or sesame products.

Scientifically, an exposure to sunlight is a source of Vitamin D, which then helps the body absorb the maximum out of the calcium from sesame seeds. Vitamin D, when consumed during fertile months, increases chances of conception.

In these auspicious months, observing a fast further shifts a person’s sympathetic state of mind to a parasympathetic state of mind. It is a proven fact that the chances of conception increase when a person is in a relaxed and positive frame of mind.

Specially, in newly married couples, the chances of conception are more during these months; therefore, these are also the months preferred for marriage in the Hindu mythology.

Compulsory observing of Tulsi Vivah before marriage during Kartik month

The month of Kartik is the month of fertility. It ends the period of Chaturmas and the onset of a positive state of mind. It ends the period of Devsoyani and starts Dev Uthani.

Marriages are traditionally conceptualized for procreation and there is a higher chance of conception when one is in a positive phase of mind. This is the reason why marriages never take place in the month of Chaturmas.

The first day of the marriage is the Tulsi Vivah, which means getting married to a Tulsi plant to fulfill the main reason of your marriage, which is to reproduce. Marrying a Tulsi plant here means consuming Tulsi.

The black Tulsi or Shyama Tulsi seeds are known to increase the sperm count of a person and increased ovulation. Tulsi Vivah ceremony is always observed simultaneously with worshiping the Amla tree. Amla in Ayurveda is again known for its fertility properties. If you try to conceive in Kartik month, consume more Tulsi and Amla, do fast and spend 40-50 minutes in early morning sunlight, there are more chances of conception.

10 ways to spend quality time with family

The art of finding time for those we love the most lies in managing priorities.

To achieve the right work-life balance and live a fuller life, you need to work on carving out quality time for your family. Most people just keep planning to devote family time but it never happens, the best way to create time is include it as part of your daily schedule and also make family appointments.

Go out alone with each person

Make each person in your family feel special and loved, spend time with them alone. Having a date with your spouse sans kids keeps the romance alive, go for a quiet dinner or a drive. Take each kid out individually and listen to his or her account of the day, ask questions about their friends, their likes, problems and so on. This enables you to provide undivided attention.

Share a meal a day

Family meals are a great way to connect with your family and listen to their concerns and share their joys. Get the family involved in the preparation of the meal, small children can do minor tasks based on their age like say taking the plates to the table while teenagers can help with cooking, buying grocery and so on.

Compliment your family frequently

Be generous with your compliments. You don’t have to wait for big accomplishments, even small ones like a pretty poster made by kids or a spouse doing something loving needs to be acknowledged and appreciated.

Divide household chores

Share the household chores with your spouse; this automatically enables you to spend time together. You also get to chat with each other along the way.

Go on family vacations

School routines, domestic chores and work keep us away form our family. Vacations are a time to bring back the togetherness, choose an exciting new place as a family where you will not only enjoy new experiences but learn things about each other that you never knew. Try to put away mobile phones, tabs, computers and such devices that isolate you from the family.

Get inputs

Get your family involved when planning what you want to do when you are together. It could be anything from going to the beach or shopping together.

Pursue an activity with your spouse

Go for yoga classes or hit the gym alongwith your spouse. If that’s not your cup of tea, you could take up hobby classes like cooking, craft and so on. If you find that too time-consuming find time to attend short workshops on subjects of your interest.

Play games with kids

Playing with your kids makes you feel fresh and young and also endears you to your kids. You can choose from outdoor games to board games and video games.

Buy special gifts

Gifts are a way of showing your family how much you love them. Take them out shopping with you to pick a gift of their choice.

Build happy memories

Celebrate occasions like birthdays and anniversaries in a creative and memorable way. These will be remembered forever. Besides this, it’s important to celebrate each day you get with your family by going that extra mile to build happy memories.

Why men are result oriented

Men are tuned to provide solutions and often miss the details in conversations. Know why?

If we look at the history of men, for the major part they have been the hunters, warriors and providers. They were primarily defined by their work roles and these were based on results. Even today, this is critical to establishing their identity and status as a man in society and so their approach to life remains result-oriented.

Men tend to focus on one thing at a time unlike the female mind which can multitask with ease. A simple everyday example is to try asking a question to your husband when he is buried in the newspaper in the morning. Most likely he won’t hear you, because he has tuned out everything except the paper. So when you need a string of things done, break up things into manageable chunks. That way, he can handle them one at a time and get them done.

Men are always to the point

While communicating, men tend to get straight to the point. They do not beat around the bush even when it comes to breaking bad news. When they have some criticism too, they share it upfront. However, this may not go down well with the wife who might find such brutal honesty quite upsetting. As a wife, you need to handle this by not letting this impact you negatively and instead feel good that your husband is open enough to share his feelings. Try to understand his perspective and work things out.

Men are less interested in the details

Men are big picture thinkers, they plan in terms of outcome. The smaller, finer details do not come under their scrutiny. When a husband comes home from a business meeting, he may just want to talk about what his company achieved. The wife however will want the smaller details like who came to the meeting, the venue, the food served, how people felt and so on. When a woman asks too many of these questions, it can put a man off. So resist the temptation to get into too much detail. Allow him to share his victories and appreciate them.

Men are naturally competitive

One more major reasons that men are result-oriented is that they are highly competitive. Competition is that rush of adrenalin that propels them to the finish line. Women on the other hand may be competitive but are usually not as fiercely competitive as men. In their rush to get to the top, men may overstep their capacity and be misunderstood. As a wife, it’s in your hands to help your husband achieve work-life balance. Encourage him to spend quality time with the family and plan fun family activities. This will help disperse the stress.

Another downside of result orientation is that failure can seem like the end of the world. If your husband has attempted something and it has not worked, don’t depress him further by trying to analyse why it did not work. Instead, give him space to think it over by himself.

Handling your result-oriented husband well can help him achieve new peaks of personal and professional excellence.

Men love happy women

Did you know that men love happy women? What else bonds them to you?

Don’t compare your husband with others

Did your friend’s husband get a promotion or did your neighbour buy a bigger car than yours? Don’t compare your husband’s capability with others, this can hurt his ego and self-esteem and upset him. Be happy with what you have and collaborate to creating better things.

Make him feel attractive

Compliment your man on his positive traits. Praise him for his achievements and slow down on the criticism, instead encourage him. Give him little surprises, it need not always be a surprise gift, it can be a peck on the cheek. Small every gestures like appreciating something he does for you at home can go a long way in cementing your bond.

Speak about him with love and respect

While discussing your husband with your family or friends, do so with love and respect. Women who talk positively about their husbands in the long run foster great relationships with their families.

Show gratitude

When your man gives you a gift or does something to impress you, accept it with grace, no matter how big or small it is. Be grateful for what he does, this will make him happy and encourage him to do more for you.

Women love men who are expressive

While some men are naturally expressive when it comes to expressing themselves with words, others may not be so outspoken. Do not get upset if your husband is not the type to shower compliments on you. He will demonstrate his love in action through gestures like surprising you with bringing dinner home when you’ve had a tiring day or helping you clean the home on a weekend. Watch for them.

Be affectionate

The daily routine could be quite a dampener when it comes to showing affection. It’s up to you to get demonstrative and indulge in a bit cuddling everyday. Try small gestures like massaging his neck and back when he comes back after a tiring day or tousling his hair.

Gift small tokens of affection

Show your love with small tokens of affection like cooking his favourite dish or gifting a special card. You can also get a bit more creative anad order personalised gifts, like a mug with a picture of both of you or a business card holder personalised with his name.

Go on romantic holidays

Keep the freshness of your marriage alive by planning romantic holidays. Keep a list of fun activities ready too, so you truly enjoy your time together.

Don’t let distance turn a barrier to your relationship

While we become busier, it is important that distances don’t eat into your bond.

Here are 5 ways to remain so in love no matter how far or near you are to your spouse.

More time exclusively for each other

While technology has been a boon, unmonitored usage could convert it into a bane. More so, when you are with your spouse, make sure you do not let those Facebook pings or Skype alerts creep in. You need to find a space that has no presence for anything about the two of you. Cut the TV out and flick the stereo off. There is nothing better than tuned in talking with your partner.

Recall the moments you spent together over the years

Nostalgia is akin to a healer. No matter how bad a phase you are in or how difficult it is to stay away while he is on a business trip, you need to figure out some time wherein you browse through older pictures of the two of you together. Talk about how you met and chirp on hilarious moments. This will help you loosen up and also give you ample reason to fall in love, all over again.

Video calls and selfies are wow

Unless technology becomes intrusive, it is a fabulous offering. Even if either of you is away on work reasons, connect over Skype. Make sure you do not discuss work. Try and talk love while sharing the funny and tough details of your day. Send him or her selfies around the day. These small things could make you come closer to each other while keeping you connected always.

Plan special surprises

Sneak in a love card with partner’s favourite chocolate under the pillow. Once they wake up in the morning, they’d would be delighted. Begin the day with such surprises and be playful enough to pour in sms at work. More so, surprise your spouse with small gifts that come with a message. These things are not expensive or elaborate but could help you talk more and express what you truly feel. These will also help you express that both of you are only complete with the other.

While your schedules may be stressful, find the best ways to cut stress out of your relationship. It is not mandatory that you are out on long drives or romantic dinners. It is important to value him or her and spend quality time without boundaries.

Dealing with loss of love and affection

After the initial years of your marriage, a phase of boredom visits you. What’s happening?

The early years of marriage seem full of happiness, excitement and the joy of discovering each other. However, after a couple of years, as you move into a comfortable domestic routine, you might after a while find that there seems to be a loss of love and affection between the two of you.

Why are you drifting apart?

Over time, both partners tend to take each other for granted and you need to consciously work on appreciating and acknowledging your partner’s contribution to your life. Sometimes partners suppress their emotions either to avoid hurting their better half or to maintain peace at home. However, this can lead to a rising inner resentment against the other. It’s important to sit down and discuss points of conflict.

Understand your relating pattern

When you marry, your feelings for each other are usually quite strong. You love and accept each other as long as certain expectations that you have in mind are met. However, over time, the feelings cool down and then the imperfections surface. This is when you need to show unconditional love and accept your spouse’s pluses and minuses.

Communicate regularly

Sometimes the daily routine means that you communicate with your spouse only on mundane domestic things. However, to truly build a connection, you must spend more time communicating, communication that involves your feelings, aspirations, positive and negative emotions and so on. When your spouse wants to talk, be a patient listener.

How to fall in love once again

Recall what you both used to enjoy doing together, maybe it was walking along the beach or it was watching a movie together. Do it once more. Take an effort to do something special for your spouse, cooking up a special meal or getting a customised piece of jewellery, booking a surprise holiday and so on.

Look attractive for your spouse

Marriage does not mean that you should stop looking after yourself.Keep yourself well-groomed. Buy clothes that flatter you and take that extra effort to dress well when you go out with your spouse.

Let go of your ego

The reason that many marriages break down is because of powerful egos. Be quick to forgive and forget mistakes that your spouse makes, after all he or she is human. Sacrifice your ego to bring peace, happiness and reconciliation to your marriage.

15 special minutes

Modern life keeps us endlessly busy but it’s important to be clear about your priorities. Nurture your marriage by devoting 15 minutes to your spouse exclusively every day. Use this time to share your day and to tell your spouse how much you love them.

Love is a commitment

There is no magic ingredient that can keep the love in your marriage blazing. You have to work on it everyday to keep it warm and strong. Love is a choice you make and not something thrust on you by circumstance. If you feel that the love and affection in your marriage is waning, follow our pointers but be consistent and patient and we promise you will have wonderful results.

Childhood Experiences Hurting Your Marital Relationship?

Parental influences affect our behaviour and married couples need to be aware of this fact.

There were several problems between them. That was plain to see. He did things the only way he thought was right. And so did his wife. They were both convinced that it was the other who was to blame for the rift between them. Surprisingly, neither of them was really at fault.

Their problems did not start after marriage. They had their roots in early childhood and grew and morphed as they grew old. The way this couple thought and behaved was influenced by their parents, immediate relatives and the environment in which they were raised.

The only way to get around issues that stem from childhood hurts and familial influences is to get to the root cause. Remember, the intention is not to find fault with either his parents or hers. The sole purpose is to identify the type of childhood influences that impact their life after marriage.

1) As children some of us grow up in an environment where achievement and independence are sacrosanct. Such families discourage expressions of need, emotion and love. In such an environment children receive little or no support and help. Such children grow up without experiencing love and bonding. And as adults they continue to be independent and aloof.

2) Then there are children who grow up in an environment where they do only those things that will please their parents. They dislike things that will upset or worry their parents.

As adults, such children continue to please those around them only to avoid displeasure and conflict. As a consequence, they suppress their own feelings and expect their spouse to do the same. Problems ensue when this does not happen.

3) Some children grow up in an atmosphere of uncertainty: they are uncertain of the mood of their parents. They long for affection. However, they are not sure if their parents will give them affection or want to stay aloof. They become used to an environment of uncertainty.

As adults, these people become possessive and demanding. They expect their spouse to show only affection all the while. At the same time, they themselves remain unpredictable. The usual complaint of spouses of such partners is that the relationship is one that vacillates between affection and indifference.

4) Children of a domineering parent grow up convinced that life is either about being dominant or submissive. Invariably such parents are paranoid and have some addiction or the other. Such a household is chaotic and such parents are a source of stress.

Children from such households grow up to be domineering adults. They never again want to be in a situation where they are put down and have to accept abuse.

Children with less courage grow into submissive adults. They accept a domineering partner and tolerate abuse. Such submissive adults eventually lose all their confidence and become vulnerable.*

Marriages may be made in heaven. However, so are thunder and lightning. And hence little hiccups should not come as a surprise to any couple. Some issues are so minor that a little time – a week or so – will resolve them. It’s the more prolonged issues that are a concern.

When such marital problems begin to rear their head both spouses must agree to sit together with the intention of resolving these issues. It should be amply clear to both spouses that the purpose of such an exercise is not to find fault.

One does not have to be a psychologist to know that most of individual’s behavioural issues are somehow related to his/her past. As such couples are encouraged to first identify the issues that are the source of their unhappiness. They should then objectively analyse their respective background and see if any of these issues have arisen because of childhood problems. To their surprise they will find that most of their issues are somehow related to their background. With mutual trust, help and support many of these issues can be resolved by the couples themselves.

Despite their best efforts, if couples are not able to resolve harming issues, they should seek professional help.