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8 #questions to #ask before #marriage

Prepare for marriage by understanding what will make the relationship work well for you.

Do you accept each other as you are?

Several pressures come upon a bride or groom during marriage – advancing age, need to settle down, peer pressure, parental expectations… but do not be forced by circumstances to make the most important decision in your life, in a hurry.

You have met the partner a couple of times and spoken, ask yourself if deep inside you, there’s happiness in accepting the other person as a partner for life. Are there shortcomings that may hurt your relationship later? Will both of you accept the other as they are, without having to make any changes.

Do you have compatible values, interests and goals?

If both of you have common values to share and cherish, a promising life lies ahead. Religious beliefs, child rearing, roles to play after marriage, views on family relationship, personal value systems, there needs to be broad acceptance on such things.

Are your families comfortable with the marriage?

Traditionally, Indian marriages are between two families, more than between two individuals. It’s critical for you to work and gain acceptance from your family. Especially, if they’re going to be staying with you after marriage.

How comfortable are you when with your would-be partner?

Let’s all agree that not everything can be understood in a few meetings. But Nature provides each one of us with an innate gut feeling which most often can be relied on.

If you feel at ease in the company of your intended partner, then you’re more likely to make a good pair.

Did you discuss future roles for each other?

These days when women are keen on pursuing careers, and many men look for economic stability, it’s best to discuss the roles you’d play. When to take a career break, going the family way, managing the home – do you agree these have to be discussed and broadly agreed upon?

Are you feeling good in the company of prospective in-laws?

The blessings of in-laws are important for success in a couple’s life. How connected are you to them? Is there a sense of bonding and happiness when you meet them. Are you aware of their expectations from you?

Are you aware of the responsibilities, post marriage?

By marrying, you agree to be beside your partner during the long journey… loving, guiding and sharing the twists and turns of life. There’s also a responsibility towards parents and siblings. Besides, you’ll have to manage the expectations of the in-laws. Not to forget planning your own family, investing in a new home, taking your partner out and visiting in-laws and family regularly.

Is there a deep need inside you for companionship?

Finally, a very important discovery needs to be made. Are you feeling the need for love and companionship at this point in life? Do you want an anchor in a companion? Are you ready for marriage?

If your marriage is driven by the longing for someone who cares for what you love, then your foundation is strong. Go ahead!

Marriage is the most important decision you’ll make in your life. Take time to understand the meaning, be aware of the responsibilities and take a firm step.

Best wishes for a happy married life.

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6 #Reasons Why You #Should Marry

Marriage works up magic in us and makes our life meaningful, says Dr Nisha.

Marriage is an emotional, social and legal institution in which two people joined together to share emotional and physical intimacy for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family. The goal of marriage is not to think alike but to think together. Marriage is at the start is an empty box; we must put something in before we can take anything out. It is mosaic we build with our spouse and millions of tiny moments that creates our love story.

In the age of Feminism, Careers and Individualism, the old school of thought about marriage is fading away. Due to the increasing trend of live-in and higher rate of divorce, few people don’t want to marry and due to obligation, societal and parental pressure and fear of being alone, some people marry without giving a single thought that their marriage will last a life time. So, it’s a necessity to prepare ourselves in the meaningful way for marriage.

We can see many positive reasons to get married and these reasons can maximize the chances of successful marriage:

Companionship

Companionship is long lasting. Some describes companionship as a cosy feeling, a nice full feeling after a pleasant meal with someone or that easy rhythm you fall into the familiar. We can hire a maid, cook, driver or a partner for the fulfilment of all desired needs, but it completely lacks the companion with whom to share the journey of life, who stand by us in the thin and thick of life. So, sharing your life with someone is the ultimate goal of marriage and sincere communication is a key to good and healthy companionship.

From the beginning of the marriage, our effort should be directed towards being a companion and friend to each other. We should make constant and conscious efforts to be the part of each other’s interest and hobbies so that we should be able to communicate and talk on any subject.

Love and Intimacy

In marriage, love and intimacy are inextricably interwoven. Love is the daily decision to give, serve and communicate in a kind and respectful manner. These actions always knit two individuals together. It requires effort, patience and practice.

A more genuine kind of mature love helps ensure a good marriage. We should not only love each other, but ourselves too so that we can express our needs honestly and assertively. We should be mature and independent enough to acquire self-knowledge and self-confidence to develop an interdependent relationship that can facilitate intimacy.

Intimacy describes closeness and feeling of warmth, we have with someone and with whom we should like to enjoy our intimate moments. It takes a great deal of time, effort and hard work both to develop and maintain. Marriage is an important source of intimacy but after marriage sometimes, it disappears completely. People get into marriage to avoid loneliness and to find intimacy later when the marriage feels sifting or empty. Then some people escape from it to maintain their sanity and independence.

Support and Growth

Marriage can produce many good times; it has its share of struggles, challenges and differences. These provide opportunities for growth both personally and in relationship. In marriage, we learn the true meaning of self-sacrifice and adjustment. We learn to tolerate imperfections and differences and also learn to acknowledge and handle hostility. It makes life live longer. It helps us to grow. An insightful, strong and honest partner can bring out the best in a person. It offers stability and overall support that allows person to be succeeded in life. A loving and caring partner helps to be stable in all spheres of life.

A marriage can’t survive, if one person thinks only of their own development and needs but mutual and genuine support for the betterment and achievement enhances and stabilizes marriage.

Sexual Relationship

Sex is a biological need of human being. It is a crucial ingredient of individual well-being in intimate relationship especially marriage. Marriage has been seen as a stable source of sexual satisfaction.

Marriage is a legitimate and healthy way to one’s sexual feelings and behaviour, but it should not only be the major reason for marrying. Sexual relationship is an indication that everything is still fine despite wrinkles, sags and “love handles”. To keep the spark alive in marriage; couples need to keep the relationship alive through communication and sharing. Problems in sexual functioning therefore need to be addressed, if people are to have successful marriage.

Parenthood

Marriage is the standard method for starting a family. It is the most stable and secure environment. Kids grow in a normal family. Marriage provides the best atmosphere for the birth and nurture of children. Parenthood is world’s most difficult job and lasts a lifetime, with no pay, no fringe benefits, no vacation and with little thanks.

Respect and Security

In our Indian society, married men or women get more respect in society as well as in their respective families. Live-in or Divorce is still a taboo. Most of the people marry (especially women) for financial security. Marriage brings financial benefits if both the partners are working. Financial problems are the most common reason, marriage does not automatically produce economic security, but couples continue to search for the elusive goals.

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#Why the Young in India# Fear to Get #Married?

Dr Vinaya, Relationship Counsellor, unravels the anxieties of youngsters in India.

1. How underprepared are young people of today when it comes to marriage?

Most youngsters of today are not prepared for the adjustments and mature attitude that are required for a satisfactory marriage. Their knowledge and understanding of what marriage entails comes from friends, the internet, from their parents’ marriage. This knowledge is insufficient. They also do not possess sufficient skills and the attitude required to make marriage a success.

2. What are the underlying behaviour patterns of their anxieties when talk of marriage comes up?

Marriage is a commitment and those on the verge of marriage may have a fear of committing themselves to a long term, permanent relationship like marriage. This could result in various behavior patterns, some of which are:

• hesitation and doubts about whether they would like to marry

• constant indecisiveness about whom to marry

• making excuses and trying to postpone committing themselves to a particular person

• finding others, other than who they have chosen, more attractive

• being under the fear that they may be missing other possibilities if they tie themselves down to one partner

• having doubts about whether the chosen partner is the “right” one

• becoming critical, finding fault with prospective partners

• making mountains out of minor problems

• starting unnecessary arguments

• withdrawing emotionally

• sometimes having an intense desire to leave the situation

• physical symptoms could include palpitations, trembling, shaking, shortness of breath, stomach distress

• having a fear of and persistent worries about the future

3. What should they do to manage and overcome their fears?

There are simple solutions to managing their fears. However if they face intense fears which they are unable to overcome, it is important that they consult a therapist.

Some advice about ways in which they can address their fears:

Fear of commitment: First of all they need to accept that they have a fear of commitment. “Live in the present moment and commit to doing the best today” should be their motto. They should not spend too much time worrying about the future. It would help them to be honest with their partner about their fears of commitment. Talking about their feelings openly, would help deepen their commitment and help them to bond better with their partner.

Analyze preconceptions: Examine their preconceived notions about marriage and marriage partner and abandon those notions which are false or unrealistic.

Realistic expectations: Know that there is no perfect spouse. One must have realistic expectations of the marriage partner and make allowances for the partner not matching their expectations perfectly.

No perfect marriages: Give up idealistic expectations about marriage. Marriage is not about having perfect, good times always. Marriage, like our lives, will have ups and downs. They should expect challenges.

Inadequacy: Some people may have a fear that they may not be good enough to handle marriage. Such people should not evaluate or judge themselves on the basis of whether their marriage meets certain perfectionistic criteria that they may have about themselves or their lives.

Don’t feat the past: Past failed relationships may make some of them fearful of trusting another and being committed to a long term relationship. These people need to address their trust issues with a marriage counsellor.

4. Why are youngsters, mostly urban, afraid of marriage?

It is natural that youngsters fear making a long term commitment. Youngsters would also like their marriage to be perfect and fear that it may not be so. However, the truth is that marriage is not about having a perfect partner or being perfectly happy all the time. It’s about finding a partner and developing a partnership capable of weathering the storms life will present. A good nugget of wisdom to remember is that “you shouldn’t marry the person you know you can live with for the rest of your life; marry the one whom you can’t imagine yourself living without”.

The young nowadays are more aware of the problems of marriage, due to media, past relationships, inputs from friends. This may lead them to prefer temporary relationships over a permanent relationship like marriage. They may fear the problems, compromises and adjustments that are required in marriage.

Youngsters have to balance many things – work, career, their individual ambitions and dreams, family aspirations for them etc. In this balancing act, marriage sometimes can take a back seat especially if they already have satisfying relationships with friends, family and colleagues.

The young have lesser tolerance for ambiguity; want to be certain about the future. This certitude is not provided by marriage and could be another cause of their fear of marriage.

For girls, unlike bygone days, marriage is not the only option. They can have a satisfying career of their own. When they marry, they will have added responsibilities of balancing the needs of spouse, in laws, children and their own dreams. Successful career women tend to approach marriage with caution.

There is no formula that can be applied to making a perfect marriage. Like all serious relationships, marriage requires maturity, communication skills, tolerance for each other’s faults, empathy and people skills. These are all developed over a period of time. Many youngsters do not want to invest the required energy and time into making the marriage relationship successful.

5. How should they prepare to succeed in this journey called marriage?

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner. To be the “right” mate, “Know your-self” is an important dictum. It is important that the youngsters work at increasing their self-awareness, know their strengths and weaknesses. This will go a long way in not having unrealistic expectations from either oneself or one’s partner.

It is important to remember that “nobody is perfect”. The youngsters need to appreciate the differences between themselves and their partners and should avoid trying to shape the partner according to their own desire. They must avoid falling into the trap of believing that if they could make changes in their partner, their relationship will be perfect. Both partners should remember that they are jointly accountable for the marriage relationship. The youngsters need to develop this maturity and responsibility.

Marriage requires a lot of patience- each partner needs to give enough time to understand each other, develop empathy, and to develop the relationship. The youngsters will need to be prepared to consciously and intentionally set aside time and put in conscious efforts to nurture and develop their relationship.

Youngsters who are ready for marriage will need to develop their interpersonal skills and communication skills. In marriage, partners need to honestly and regularly communicate with each other. They will need to be comfortable in sharing their fears, needs, hopes, dreams, and anxieties with their partner.

The yet to be married youngsters will need to understand that the moment they get married, their status will change from an individualistic “I, me, myself” to a status of “we”. They will have to cease being selfish or committed to only themselves, their hopes and their dreams. Instead they will need to plan for, commit to and bring to fruition the joint dreams they hold with their partners.

The young need to accept the reality that there will be good and bad times in marriage and that there will be no quick solutions or fixes for problems. An important requirement is that the partners remain committed to each other through all the trials of marriage.

The youngsters will have to give up any unrealistic expectations about marriage that they may hold. For instance, they should not make the mistake of expecting marriage to be an unrealistic “happily ever after” fairytale, free of problems, conflicts, disagreements.

An important factor in today’s day is the sexual faithfulness of the partners towards each other. Having an affair, being emotionally unfaithful would erode the trust and very foundation of any marriage. Trust between partners form the bedrock of a marriage. The young should be prepared to build the required trust through self-discipline, a sense of responsibility and deep commitment to the marriage.

The young need to be prepared to plan for various issues. A few of these issues they need to plan with their partners include: where they want to live; how much money they plan to make; how they will budget; how much time they will spend with their extended families; when do they want children; who will stay at home to take care of the children; how will they make room in the relationship for their individual ambitions; plan for holidays etc.

A happy marriage has a lot of positive energy and brings out the best in each other. The youngsters should be prepared to treat their partners with respect and dignity and avoid criticism, a sense of superiority, sarcasm, contempt for the other.

Lastly, the youngsters should be aware that each marriage is different. The partners in a marriage need to do what works for them rather than following some standards they might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. There is no perfect marriage and the criteria that youngsters need to bring to assessing a marriage is whether it largely meets the needs of both the partners, whether it empowers them and brings out the better qualities of each partner.

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#40 Years of #Staying and #Growing #Together

Sujit and Kalpana who got married in the ‘70s talk about their ups and downs.

How they supported each other through 40 years of marriage. They lead a meaningful life post retirement with plenty to cheer about. In an interview to HappyMarriags.com the fun loving couple reveals what makes them tick.

Was your match arranged like all traditional marriages those days?

Sujit Banerjee: No. Ours was not a traditional arranged marriage. We were neighbors, met, went on a trip together with our families, fell in love and decided to get married. There was opposition from my family, not hers. This sort of thing was happening for the first time in my side of family (except for another case of one flamboyant uncle in the army).

Do you remember the first time you met him?

Mrs Kalpana Banerjee: First time I met him? Hmm I must have been in a frock! Knew each other since we were in school!

What’s the most romantic thing he’s ever done for you?

Mrs Kalpana Banerjee: Can’t remember! Getting old!

As a couple you must have had (and still do) differences. How did you manage them?

Sujit Banerjee: Of course we have differences. But we don’t let them last. We resolve it soon enough. Sometimes by saying sorry, sometimes by bringing a gift and in my case when she gets my best food made! And as Madhuri, our daughter has observed, we have the capacity to laugh at each other’s jokes and foibles. Mostly I am known by the tag name of ‘ Inspector Cloussue’ of Pink Panther fame with all my faux paux which keeps my whole family laughing.

Did you ever attempt to change him in any way?

Mrs Kalpana Banerjee: He is a Cancerian and hates change! But over the years he has developed the same taste in sarees etc as mine!

During brief periods of self-doubts in the early years, how did both of you support each other?

Mrs Kalpana Banerjee: When young we all have in-laws problems! He always supported me and encouraged me. That’s what I never forgot. He has been a great husband!

How do you show your love for her? Do you cook for her sometimes or sing a song…

Sujit Banerjee: Cook for her! Once I entered the kitchen and put the milk to boil and went to do something else. Soon enough the burning smell from the kitchen indicated what I had done! I bring her flowers or say let’s go and buy you a new pair of shoes or slippers because she loves new shoes and slippers. When we moved to our own house 3 years back we threw away a whole big carton of shoes. But no matter, she had 2 other big cartons by then! I also sing her many songs, every Sunday, all romantic ones. She lifts her left eyebrow and says that one didn’t hit the right note! Hey, I was trying to woo you!

Is the relationship with your wife currently any different from the initial phase of your married life? Is there more depth and meaning to the relationship, now?

Sujit Banerjee: Since I retired 3 years back I’m staying for longer hours at home. Though I have lecturing and other assignments, I am still more at home. So, so as not to get into each other’s way too much we have devised a plan. I go to my basement study to prepare my lectures and she goes to her first floor studio to paint. That way we have a full ground floor to separate us. Then if we have to speak, if at all, we have to call on our mobiles. Heh heh! But seriously, yes our relationship has definitely evolved. I find her to be such a good mother, rather grand mother, (talking to her grandchildren and consequently children almost everyday on Skype) housewife (keeping the house spotlessly clean and nothing out of place) and wife (seeing that I have all my papers when when I’m going out and my tie is tied on straight!). Yes, she is something! And my love for her is as much as the first time I met her and fell in love.

What do you two love to do together when you have the time?

Sujit Banerjee: We have travelled all over India and the world together and have loved every minute of it. But these days we just like to put our feet up and watch a good movie on TV. We also love to Skype with our grandchildren.

What do you two love to do together when you have the time?

Sujit Banerjee: The other day she told me that I have no idea of ‘ timing’ and ‘ importance of a task’. I realized that those were the qualities that she, herself has in enormous measure. How to do something right and when to do it! Today if I have been successful, it is because she stood behind me like a rock through thick and thin. I have had difficult days in my life; very difficult days and years but I never felt anything because of her unstinted support. So the two things that make her the most lovable woman for me- her beauty even today and her quality of feet on the ground, come what circumstances.

What are two things that make him the most loveable man for you?

Mrs Kalpana Banerjee: He always kept me on a pedestal, so I was always made to feel so good! And I always supported him these 40 years! Love and respect for each other is so important. Most of all laugh together and at each other!

What advice do you have for young couples?

Mrs Kalpana Banerjee: My advice to young couples is to have more tolerance and patience towards each other. Laugh off your troubles! As you age and mature you will realize that so many trivial things have upset you. Always discuss things and do things together. Communication is important.

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#Giving is the key to #spiritual #happiness

Most of us think that there’s happiness in receiving. What about the joy of giving?

From good food to cool clothes, and yes, love too…we all need many things. While there’s no doubt that we do feel happy, sometimes delighted, when we get something…we often forget the joy of giving.

No matter what our circumstance, humans have the ability to give. And giving brings meaning, fulfillment, and happiness.

In any relationship if you think about “How can I contribute to put a smile on the other’s face? – the whole meaning of the relationship changes. When you give, your experience expands. Your personality expands beyond limitations.

It’s a transforming experience.

Giving results in an experience of joy, love and care.

Doing so makes you happy because as social beings we’re made to love, care and share. There’s fulfillment in that.

A lot of people give money to the needy, for charity and so on. Money is not the only thing you can give. You could spare time for a cause. You can share a few words of encouragement for someone. Any and all types of giving brings bliss to the giver. It fills one’s being with happiness and boundless energy.

Now, back to marriage. When you marry, spare a thought for the person who’s going to spend the rest of their life with you. Don’t forget, their time is mostly to be spent with you.

And so, do they not deserve your love?

By deciding to make their life beautiful… you will actually welcome happiness into your own life.

Respect them the way they are and welcome them into your life with love. Compliment them for what they do. Support them in their dreams.

Even a smile, a kind word or a hug is also meaningful giving. The warmth and concern for your spouse is more meaningful then anything you possess. Enduring inner joy lies in selfless giving.

The paradox is that if you give and expect to be given, you’ll not receive any reward. Be selfless, expect nothing in return…just like a mother’s love for her child.

It’s a privilege to give. So give your time, your love and your wisdom. When you treat your wife like a queen, in return you’ll be the king (and vice versa).

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How to Manage #Your First #Conflict With# In-laws

How to deal with initial conflicts with your mother-in-law or others in the new family.
Whether you live as a nuclear family or in a joint setup, it is very likely that your in-laws will have a strong influence on your marital life.
It is not uncommon for a new bride to run into a few sticky situations with in-laws within the first few months of marriage – after all, you are your own person with your own set of beliefs and ideologies, which may or may not be in line with those of your in-laws.
Why your husband may not support anyone
From minor comments regarding your clothes to more serious issues concerning finances and religion, issues with in-laws are a normal, and a rather inescapable part of married life. Things become all the more difficult when your husband refuses to intervene in any way or does not seem to be taking your side. Remember that it is a tough call for him as well – he doesn’t want to hurt you or his parents. Be understanding towards his situation, but at the same time, convey your feelings as gently and politely as possible.
Your in-laws are going be a part of your life, so setting things straight with them right in the beginning is definitely in your interest. Your first conflict with in-laws may be just the opportunity for you to build a one-on-one relationship with them and open the gates of communication that will hold you in good stead in the time to come.
Love, respect and care for in-laws
A good way to start would be to show that you genuinely love, respect and care for them. Once they warm up a little, you can tactfully communicate what is bothering you, at the same time assuring them that you are not here to disrupt the family. Be open to what they have to say and confide as you would to your own parents – this is easier said than done, but worth an attempt because it helps build mutual trust and eases some of their insecurities.
Understanding the anxiety of in-laws
At this stage, it is important to understand that just as you are struggling to get used to your new home, your in-laws are struggling to get used to you! Their anxieties are not ill-founded either – for them you are the outsider who may or may not take care of their son as well as them. They may even feel neglected or sidelined because their son now spends a large chunk of his time with you. This anxiety may spill over to their attitude towards you, which can range from cold and distant to overbearing and intrusive. Understanding their state of mind will help you bridge the distance and forge a positive bond with your new family.
If all else fails, calmly talk about the issue with your husband but be careful not to sound negative about his parents. Work as a team to find ways to discuss the problem without offending the elders.
Some issues resolve on their own while others may need considerable effort on your part. As long as you have the will to nurture a harmonious, loving relationship with your in-laws, you will find a way to work around the trickiest of problems.
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#First Feelings of #Loneliness After #Marriage

As the initial buzz of celebrations fade, it is natural to feel a little lonely.

These feelings can crop up sooner or later, and may come in varying degrees, ranging from a tinge of nostalgia to extreme homesickness. There is no reason to panic though. These feelings are completely normal and more common than you think. As a girl, you have left your home and family to become part of a new one, so it is only natural that you will miss your loved ones.

Understanding what triggers loneliness

Remember that there is a difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”. While the former is sometimes welcome, the latter most certainly isn’t. Feelings of loneliness can creep in when you begin to miss your family and your parental home. A new relationship and a new place brings a lot of uncertainties and the sudden change in lifestyle can sometimes be very difficult to deal with, particularly if you have moved to a different city or country.

The good news is that you can take charge of the situation and chase away the loneliness monster, while at the same time, fostering a closer bond with your spouse.

Take the first step

If your husband’s travels or busy schedule is the cause of your loneliness, don’t wait for him to come up to you. Instead, be proactive and tell him how you feel. It is possible that your partner does not realize what you are going through or is too caught up with work. But once you make him understand, he may be able to work around his routine to make more time for you.

Do something together

Indulging in an activity that you both enjoy is an excellent way to re-establish your bond and connect as a couple. How about shopping for new décor items for the living room or planting some trees in the neighborhood? Creating shared experiences such as these gives you a lot to talk about, which eventually opens up the channels of communication for bigger things. As you rediscover each other, you will feel your loneliness slowly fading away.

Spell out your needs

Men usually don’t work on emotional cues so be as explicit about your needs as possible. Tell them how much you like holding hands during walks and how you always look forward to discussing your dreams about the future.

Keep yourself busy

Now that you have some time to yourself, why not indulge in a new activity? Cooking, gardening, crafts, dance, painting, reading– there is so much you can do to keep yourself busy while your partner is away. Not only are these very constructive ways to spend time, you may also discover a hidden talent along the way!

Don’t be afraid to seek help

If your efforts don’t seem to be bearing fruit, it might help to talk to a trusted friend or family member. A simple, heartfelt conversation can work wonders – it gives you a safe medium to vent out your feelings and even ask for advice. Sometimes an outside perspective can show you what your own eyes have been missing.

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