How Healthy Couples Handle Tough Times

ough times are a reality for every couple. Couples may face major life transitions, such as a new baby, new job or retirement, said Susan Lager, LICSW, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

They may face ongoing stressors, such as a spouse’s ill health or a negative work environment, she said. They may face losses, such as the death of a friend or family member, or a financial crisis. While tough times affect us all, they can pile on additional stress to your romantic relationship.

Healthy couples get through these tough times — and tough times can even help a couple get closer. Here’s how.

Healthy couples acknowledge the situation.

“They recognize that they’re in a crisis or challenging situation,” according to Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples therapy. They don’t deny, disregard or minimize what’s happening.

Healthy couples turn toward each other.

One of the main hallmarks of a healthy couple is that they turn to each other for support and guidance, Bush said. “There’s a sense that they’re in this together.” They also empathize with each other, Lager said.

Healthy couples actively listen to each other.

“They listen to each other more carefully, and show more curiosity about each other’s perspective, experience and needs,” Lager said.

Healthy couples admit when they’re wrong.

Health couples “apologize when they behave badly, said Lager, author of The Couplespeak™ Series, which offers tools and tips for better relationships. This is in stark contrast to unhealthy couples “who rationalize or deny their hurtful or disrespectful behaviors.”

Healthy couples cope effectively.

According to both experts, healthy couples take breaks from the difficult situation. They make time to have fun together. They pursue healthy distractions, such as taking walks and watching funny movies.

They also have a broader perspective and adopt an attitude of “this, too, shall pass,” Bush said. “They can see [the situation] as a small piece in the puzzle of their lives and long-term relationship.”

“Unhealthy couples either drown in the problems, leaving no time to bond and refuel, or they collude to avoid the issues, they distance [or] they self-medicate through drinking, gambling, affairs, etc.,” Lager said.

Healthy couples support each other’s coping styles.

Partners recognize that they may cope differently, and they respect these differences, Bush said. For instance, women may need to talk about what they’re going through with a girlfriend while men may need to engage in activities like throwing darts with a friend, she said.

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