#The #Good #Marriage

Love conquers all.

The good marriage. Is it possible? Do you want it? Do you want to keep it? These are the ways.

Love does conquer all. But, it is not that romantic surge of love, which is sufficient, but rather the love that draws things and people rightly together.

The good marriage requires that each recognize how difficult it is for two people to live together in the first place. Each of the loving pair (even the not-so-loving pair) comes from a different background. Genetically they are different. In terms of background and expectations, they are different. In their thinking styles; in their love styles; in their desire styles, they are different. In fact, it is sometimes a miracle that two people can live together for a long time and still remain bound to each other in a most fortunate way. To tell the truth, I am one of a pair of them. We have been married for a very long time. And despite the difficulties (which were difficult difficulties at the time, I must say), we have not only survived but we have grown together. In fact, love, like vines, grows between people, given mutual tolerance, mutual charity, and mutual respect.

People do grow together. But first:

In order to overcome difficulties, it is important for each of the pair, each at the time, to stop being the self-convinced one. We all see the world through the eyes of our own assumptions, expecting other people to think and feel and see things the way we do. That is far from true. So the first step is to suspend your assumptions, stop being yourself, and join with the other person, almost fuse, and feel the other person’s opinion and point of view for a time. This requires a contract that one will talk at a time while the other listens and then expect the same from the other. You will find that this is a new way. The ordinary way is for each person to be hurt or angry or whatever else and retreat behind a wall into his/her own assumptions and sense of righteousness. The wall grows and the other person retreats even further into his/her sense of righteousness and so it goes. This creates conflicts, even wars between nations, let alone between people.

If you practice this, you will grow not only toward the good marriage, the lasting marriage, the most rewarding marriage but you will be growing yourself into a point where you become stronger in terms of your emotions, more patient, more wise because you will know yourself and the other person. You will also know people around you. This is a great reward.

More Details Visit Us On: www.lagnavidhi.com

#The #Good #Marriage

Love conquers all.

The good marriage. Is it possible? Do you want it? Do you want to keep it? These are the ways.

Love does conquer all. But, it is not that romantic surge of love, which is sufficient, but rather the love that draws things and people rightly together.

The good marriage requires that each recognize how difficult it is for two people to live together in the first place. Each of the loving pair (even the not-so-loving pair) comes from a different background. Genetically they are different. In terms of background and expectations, they are different. In their thinking styles; in their love styles; in their desire styles, they are different. In fact, it is sometimes a miracle that two people can live together for a long time and still remain bound to each other in a most fortunate way. To tell the truth, I am one of a pair of them. We have been married for a very long time. And despite the difficulties (which were difficult difficulties at the time, I must say), we have not only survived but we have grown together. In fact, love, like vines, grows between people, given mutual tolerance, mutual charity, and mutual respect.

People do grow together. But first:

In order to overcome difficulties, it is important for each of the pair, each at the time, to stop being the self-convinced one. We all see the world through the eyes of our own assumptions, expecting other people to think and feel and see things the way we do. That is far from true. So the first step is to suspend your assumptions, stop being yourself, and join with the other person, almost fuse, and feel the other person’s opinion and point of view for a time. This requires a contract that one will talk at a time while the other listens and then expect the same from the other. You will find that this is a new way. The ordinary way is for each person to be hurt or angry or whatever else and retreat behind a wall into his/her own assumptions and sense of righteousness. The wall grows and the other person retreats even further into his/her sense of righteousness and so it goes. This creates conflicts, even wars between nations, let alone between people.

If you practice this, you will grow not only toward the good marriage, the lasting marriage, the most rewarding marriage but you will be growing yourself into a point where you become stronger in terms of your emotions, more patient, more wise because you will know yourself and the other person. You will also know people around you. This is a great reward.

More Details Visit Us On: www.lagnavidhi.com

Should You Lend Money to Family and Friends?

If you’ve managed to be the “go to couple” when people need money, the good news, it means you are likely good with your money. Responding to friends and family members who ask to borrow money can be a sticky situation.

It can be difficult to say no when someone asks you for money. Money can ruin many relationships with loved ones. Unfortunately, it can also cause a lot of marital problems. Before a couple decides whether or not to loan money, they should work consider the potential risks.

Loaning Money and Marital Problems- An Example

Anna’s sister came to her to ask for a loan to get her car fixed. Anna felt that they couldn’t possibly say no. After all, her sister had to have a car to transport the children to their various activities and her husband worked hard but money was just tight for them.

Anna’s husband, Steve, wasn’t thrilled about loaning the money. He felt like Anna’s sister should go to the bank and get a loan or make some changes in her life if they weren’t stretching their money far enough. However, he didn’t want to come in between Anna and her sister so he agreed to loan the money.

As one month stretched into two, there was no discussion of repayment. Steve asked Anna often about the money and she would simply say that her sister would repay the money as soon as she could. Steve grew frustrated and resentful toward Anna’s family as time slipped by without repayment. As a result, Anna and Steve’s marriage began to suffer.

When a couple loans money, it can create marital issues. Often, both people don’t agree completely with loaning the money or they have different ideas about how to collect the money.

It Changes the Relationship the Borrower

When you lend money, it changes the relationship with the borrower. Instead of having an equal relationship, you become more like a bank. It is hard to treat one another the same when business is mixed with pleasure. There is often tension, anger and resentment when money isn’t repaid on time.

When you loan someone money, you now have an interest in their financial habits. For example, if your sister says she can’t manage to scrape up any money to give you a payment toward her loan, yet she also talks about going out to dinner with friends, it can be frustrating to hear. This can cause a rift in relationships when people who owe you money aren’t making good financial choices.

You Risk Enabling Someone

There’s also the risk of enabling someone. If you have a friend or family member who is constantly short on money, loaning them more may just enable them to continue. People who can’t make ends meet need to make changes. If they don’t, they won’t ever get out of the cycle. Loaning them money can just prolong the inevitable and it’s unlikely you’ll get your money back any time soon, if at all.

Loaning Money Like a Bank

If you and your spouse decide to loan someone money, the best way to do so is to act like a bank. Create a written agreement with terms of the loan. Most people who loan money don’t set up an official repayment plan. Instead, the unofficial agreement is usually that the borrower will pay back the money as soon as possible. However, these open-ended terms can lead to a lot of confusion and tension.

Write down the terms of the loan. Discuss when you want to be repaid and what the terms of the loan will be. Also, discuss what will happen if the money is late. For example, will you charge interest?

Alternatives to Loaning the Money – Gift

If someone has fallen upon hard times and you are blessed to have the money to help them, consider offering a gift instead of a loan. Tell the borrower you don’t want the money back. This can help preserve the relationship and rid the transaction of any tension.

Developing a Plan with Your Spouse

When it comes to loaning money, the most important thing is that both you and your spouse agree on a plan. It’s essential that both of you are in complete agreement with loaning money before you agree to do so. If one of you isn’t on board, don’t lend the money or it will only risk problems in your relationship. And if you do agree to loan money, establish a plan so you can agree on the terms of repayment.

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11 Common Problems that Marriage Counselors Can Help With

There are lots of reasons that couples may decide to seek help and get marriage counseling. There are some common themes that marriage counselors encounter when couples seek help for their marriage. Most marriage counselors are comfortable addressing and helping couples deal with these problems, but certainly there are many other common marital issues that can be addressed in counseling as well.

1. Remarriage and Blended Families

After people have already been divorced once, they are more likely to be a little nervous about getting remarried. And according to statistics, rightly so. The divorce rates for second marriages are even higher than first marriages. And for couples who already have kids, blending two families can be complicated. Marriage counselors can assist couples in making a smoother transition and also overcoming obstacles and barriers to remarriage.

2. Family of Origin Problems

In-laws can be more than a simple nuisance in some marriages. In fact, family of origin problems can certainly lead to serious marital issues. Setting healthy boundaries can be a difficult issue for many people, especially when they come from dysfunctional families. Issues about how much time to spend with extended family or determining what role extended family will play in your life are common issues. Marriage counselors can assist couples in identifying strategies to keep their relationship healthy despite problems with the family of origin.

3. Mental Health Problems

When one partner has a mental health issue, it certainly impacts them as a couple. Mental health issues such as depression and anxiety can take a toll over time. Other mental health issues, such as bipolar disorder can also interfere with a couple’s ability to maintain a healthy relationship. Couples can benefit from attending counseling together to learn how to work together to treat and deal with mental illness.

4. Grief

Grief comes in many forms. Whether a couple is grieving a miscarriage, loss of a child, or loss of a parent, it can be devastating to marriage. A marriage counselor can assist a couple in working through grief issues together so that their grief doesn’t tear them apart.

5. Physical Health Changes

Physical health has a big impact on marriage. As a couple experiences a gradual, age-related decline in health, it can significantly interfere with their activities and intimate life. Other couples, unfortunately, experience a significant illness or accident that may drastically make a big change in their marriage. If one partner is unable to work, contribute to household responsibilities, or help with daily activities, it can lead to a lot of marital problems if it is not addressed.

6. Addictions

Addiction is a common reason that couples seek help. And addiction doesn’t necessarily have to be to drugs or alcohol. Cybersex or internet addictions and gambling addictions are common as well. Sometimes individual or group therapy is needed as well to thoroughly treat an addiction.

7. Infidelity

Dealing with infidelity is a big reason for couples to seek help. Recovering from an affair or even deciding whether or not to try and work through an affair is complicated. A marriage counselor can help the couple address the reason for infidelity and to work through trust issues along with the many feelings associated with an affair.

8. Lifestyle Changes

Major changes in lifestyle can have a serious impact on a couple. Moving to a new area, making a big career change, or having the birth of a baby can certainly upset the apple cart in many marriages. Marriage counselors can help couples identify their expectations and work through changes to make transitions more smoothly.

9. Parenting Disagreements

Parenting can be a big issue for couples. When couples disagree on discipline strategies or parenting philosophies, it can lead to a lot of conflict. Marriage counselors can assist parents in learning to work together so they aren’t competing against one another.

10. Communication Problems

Communication is one of the biggest keys to a happy, healthy relationship. However, when couples struggle with communication, it can make everything much more difficult. When couples struggle with communication, solving problems, resolving conflict, and making decisions can become a major source of stress. Marriage counselors can help couples learn new skills and fine tune some of their communication habits.

11. Not Feeling in Love

People also tend to want counseling when they feel the relationship has grown stale. Marriage counselors often hear couples talk about not feeling “in love” anymore. Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn strategies to help them feel more attached and bonded and rekindle some of the spark they may have lost.

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Lagnavidhi Matrimony

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The Marriage Effect: How Being Married Makes You Happier & How to Keep It That Way

Holding your husband’s hand relieves pain.

A study at the University of Virginia studied brain scans that showed that wives holding their husband’s hand reduced the appearance of stress and had calmed the same regions of the brain that an analgesic drug does (think Tylenol or Advil).

Great excuse to hold hands right now, right?

Overall, being married still has a huge impact on your happiness.

I know you can feel that every day, but scientifically, studies also show that for the average person, the quality of their marriage is the factor with the second highest correlation with their life satisfaction (behind genetics) – so finding ways to be happy in your marriage will affect your entire life.

Want to stay married and stay happy?

Go Double D: Date Nights & Deep Conversations

These two simple things will increase both your happiness levels and your marriage satisfaction.

It has been proven over and over again that couples that have new experiences together release the same chemicals in their bodies they had when they were dating – bringing back that newlywed feeling.

This does not have to be complicated. Even if it’s just going to the new burger place around the corner, trying new things will gradually increase both your set point for happiness and your level of satisfaction in your marriage.

Think of easy, doable things as simple as going to a different grocery store or driving back home a different way – whatever you ARE doing right now, see how you can tweak it to add some novelty to it. And I always recommend starting small vs. not starting at all.

Having deep conversations is also important because time after time we see that couples that have intimate knowledge of each other’s lives feel happier, more connected and stay married.

The latest research is not only about couples, but in general – small talk was compared to deep intimate conversations and people who engaged in the deeper conversations reported much higher levels of happiness.

YOUR TURN: Have you noticed a great side-effect of marriage in your life that you didn’t expect? Share in the comments on our Facebook community page where thousands of women connect with each other daily.

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How Do You Determine the Health of Your Marriage?

Have you ever considered how to determine how good or healthy your marriage is? There isn’t a lab test or a thermometer that gives you a reading to tell you how you are doing. So, how do people know if their marriage is healthy or not?

Unfortunately, for some people, they have no idea what their own determining factors would be, say nothing about their spouse’s determining factors. Sometimes people are completely blown away when their spouse mentions divorce. They thought things were going just fine, but apparently their spouse didn’t. It is important to examine how you would know if your marriage is good or bad and to see if these things are in line with your spouse’s view of the relationship.

I’m Happy so It Must Be Good

Some people judge their marital satisfaction based on their happiness with their life in general. They think, “If I’m happy then my marriage must be good.” Their sources of happiness may be their work, extended family, or other external factors and they assume is going well.

We’re Weathering the Good Times and the Bad

Other people don’t think that happiness equates to marital satisfaction. Instead, they look for how they are handling the bad times. If they are taking the good and the bad and making it through together, they assume their marriage is in a good place. The general thinking is that if my spouse is here for me when I’m dealing with grief, tragedy and problems, we must have a good marriage.

We Have Fun Together

There are couples who really enjoy one another’s company and they like doing a lot of activities together. They gauge their marital satisfaction based on how much fun they are having. Going on fun dates, exciting vacations, and finding new adventures mean they are over all satisfied with their marriage.

We’re Accomplishing Things Together

Accomplishments can signal happiness for some people. They think that if they have children, a nice house, enough money, and all their goals are being reached, their marriage must be a good thing. They credit their success to having a good marriage and think things must be good if they are doing well.

Behavior or Feeling?

It’s important to take a look at whether you determine the health of your marriage based on feelings or behaviors. For some people, they just feel good, feel lovingly toward their spouse and feel their spouse loves them. For these people, they just feel like their marriage is good.

For others, it is based more on behaviors. If their spouse does the chores, buys them presents or gives them attention, they feel like their marriage is good. They also feel like the best way to show their love is to do things for their spouse.

Most people believe in determining the health of their relationship based on a combination of feelings and behaviors. For example, my marriage is good when we are helping each other and when we help each other, we feel more love between us. The good news is, you can behave lovingly even when you don’t feel like it and these behaviors can change how you feel.

Find Out Your Spouse’s Thoughts about Marriage Health

Find out your spouse’s definition of a healthy, satisfying marriage. You may find that it differs slightly from yours. Men and women’s brains work differently. They think and feel things in different ways. So therefore, their definitions of a successful relationship may vary.

Ask your spouse’s opinion on the current state of your marriage. Don’t let your spouse get away with something like “it’s alright.” Find out what that means. Ask what a great marriage looks like.

Set Goals for Yourselves

Once you compare notes on the state of your marriage, discuss what types of things would make your marriage better. These can be small things, like “kissing me goodnight” or “greeting me when I come in the door.” Try to set some goals for yourselves that are realistic and obtainable.

Identify one small thing you can start doing for your spouse regularly that would make your spouse feel like the marriage was better. Offer one thing your spouse can do for you. Keep communicating about the state of your marriage and how healthy or unhealthy you feel it

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The Truth about Falling out of Love

Falling in love is easy. It’s the staying in love part that is difficult. The emotions involved with falling in love can make you feel like you’re on top of the world. However, that giddy, heart-skipping-a-beat sort of love doesn’t last forever. Without taking steps to acquire a mature love, you can fall out of love just as easily as you fell in love.

Falling in Love

Falling in love is a passive experience that just happens naturally. You don’t need to put in any extra energy or effort. You can just idly get swept off your feet without having to do anything.

When you’re falling in love, emotions take over. In fact, many researchers have documented that when people are falling in love, their brain chemistry actually changes. It’s even been compared to the hypomanic phase of bipolar disorder.

When you’re falling in love, you need less sleep, your appetite changes and you have more energy. Showing affection for one another comes natural. It’s easy to have patience with your new love.

Conversation is exciting and giving of your time and energy doesn’t seem to take much effort because it’s what you want to do. When you’re apart you look forward to seeing one another again.

The feelings at that intensity usually don’t sustain themselves. Most studies say couples experience this magnetic attraction for a maximum of two years. Over time, the intensity of those “in love feelings” naturally begin to fade.

Falling out of Love

As the intensity of those feelings fade, couples can fall out of love. Just as falling in love is a passive experience, falling out of love can be passive as well. Do nothing to nurture your relationship and those feelings will subside. It’s sort of the natural progression.

Over time, you’ll feel less of a need to touch one another. Communicating with one another won’t be as exciting, fresh and new. Going on dates and spending quality time together might start to grow stale.

Couples who choose to do nothing about the fact that those intense feelings have subsided will likely be disappointed with their relationship. They’ll feel disengaged and not connected. They’ll likely experience boredom and loneliness.

It can cause many people to wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” Some people become tempted to find a new love so they can experience those intense emotions again. But, it won’t last forever, even with someone new.

Other people will stay in the marriage, because it’s the right thing to do. However, they might busy themselves with friends and family or even hobbies to try and fill the void in their life that was once filled by love’s intensity. Despite their attempts to fill this void, they won’t really feel satisfied.

Couples who say, “We just sort of fell out of love,” are right. If you don’t put any effort to make sure you stay connected, you won’t have a healthy relationship. However, you don’t have to be a victim in the process.

Mature Love

Once the romantic, intense “in love” feelings subside, you have a choice to engage in a more mature love that can be even deeper and more meaningful. Mature love offers couples a true life partner. It doesn’t have to be boring or stale. Instead, it’s what you make of it because it’s based more on how you behave, rather than simply how you feel.

People who experience mature love don’t allow themselves to passively fall out of love. Instead, they take action. Choosing to take your relationship to the next level doesn’t come easy. It requires you to behave in a way that is contrary to your feelings at times. It takes hard work, dedication and commitment.

Without the intense “in love” feelings, it’s not as easy to behave lovingly. However, mature love means that you’ll give to your spouse when you don’t feel like giving. It means you can set your feelings aside to do what is best for the relationship.

People who experience mature love hug and kiss their partner regardless of whether or not it gives them butterflies in their stomach. They set aside time for the spouse even when they’ve got a hundred and one other things they could be doing. They are willing to set aside money to go on dates and to do the things they used to do when they were first falling in love, regardless of whether or not they feel like it.

They make a conscious decision every day to behave lovingly toward their spouse. And they don’t keep score about who contributes the most to the relationship. Instead, they give willingly without becoming resentful about what they are or aren’t getting back.

People who experience mature love don’t indulge themselves in thoughts that aren’t productive to the relationship. They don’t focus on thinking about how difficult the marriage is, how their spouse isn’t the same person they married or how much better life would be if they were with someone else.

Instead, in mature love, people can think about the positive aspects of their relationship. They focus on looking at what they can do to make their spouse’s day a little better. They think about what they can contribute to the relationship.

They also stay focused on making the best of what they have. They understand that this is the person they’ve chosen in life and that the relationship will be what they make of it. They understand that grass isn’t greener on the other side and it is less about who you marry and more about how you love the person that you’re married to.

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